Complimentary Story
March 2025The reason for this series of articles is because of the high number of people who are practicing Christians — and those who are not — that view pornography. That statement is backed by www.enough.org, campaign against pornography, who have tracked porn use for more than 40 years and this year’s new Barna report, “Beyond the Porn Phenomenon, the Churches Silent Struggle.”
Our churches and society as a whole have been crippled by the teachings of porn. For the most part, people in general, have no clue what constitutes heathy intimacy or heathy sexuality. Healthy intimacy is the fence that protects relationships and most of us need to rebuild or build, for the first time, the fence that protects our relationships.
Last month I wrote about three signs of intimacy. Initiative: Taking responsibility for maintaining relationship. Will express needs, wants, reaches out, risks expression of care and invites others to share activities or problems. Presence: emotionally available to others, listens and attends to others, spends time with others, notices what happens to others and accepts the attention of others. Completion: Builds trust by finishing things, finalizes arrangements so transactions are finished, works for closure on problems, responsive to others needs and wants. Expresses appreciation for completed efforts.
The remaining three signs of healthy intimacy are; vulnerability, nurturing and honesty.
Vulnerability: This was a tough one for me. My life mostly portrayed what would indicate dysfunctional intimacy in regard to healthy vulnerability. I hid the rape that had happened to me. I hid my struggle with my attraction to porn. I hid the physical abuse that was a part of my home life. I hid most everything that made up me, my core belief system. Talking about me was too scary. What would people think of me if they knew my struggles? I was good at the false front, the “fake it until you make it” kind of guy. I thought everything through in private, I didn’t share my feelings and no one knew my decision-making process. My internal dialogues were unshared but relied upon. I could portray the appearance of being fearless and unshakable because my feelings of inadequacy were totally disguised.
Attending my small sex addicts anonymous group opened up, for the first time, being vulnerable enough to share my secret behaviors and internal struggles. The group process really broke down my walls of secrecy and I started to build trust with other people for the first time in my life, at the age of 38. I started to share my process of thinking and feeling. I gained the ability to talk about my dilemmas. I not only involved others, in the group, in the discussion but invited their feedback. I was revealing a self that had never been shared with anyone else. My fears and sense of inadequacy were also expressed to others. Over the years, the ability to be vulnerable in my relationships has continued to grow and expand. I now seek the consultation of others and invite feedback. I no longer fear what others think. I want to know what they think. I want others to know I am not perfect. I totally depend on the grace of God and the help of other people who practice healthy intimacy in their relationships. Notice I did not say Christians or believers. Not all believers practice healthy intimacy. Of course, the best relationships are between those who follow Jesus and have learned and practice healthy intimacy.
Nurturing: Nurturing was not on the list of my positive personality characteristics either. Self-centered and self-will run rampant are characteristics of addiction and are contrary to this aspect of healthy intimacy. Withdrawing from others when they are in need would indicate an inability to be nurturing. Being critical of others’ efforts and judgmental of their motives is not nurturing. Neither is dismissing or talking others out of intense feelings. The opposite of a nurturing person would be seen in their being removed, untouchable and their failing to help when needed.
My first exposure to nurturing people was again in my addiction recovery group. There is something special that happens in these small recovery groups, but I believe the same dynamic can be developed in small groups of Christian believers. The point is to practice the signs of intimacy, like nurturing behavior in our relationships. The demonstration of caring for others, making caring statements and empathizing with others’ pain would all be actions of healthy nurturing. Being supportive and encouraging are wonderful actions to give and receive. A healthy relationship person will offer suggestions and affirm the value of others and will help others when it does not diminish them in any way. Such a person is reaching out to touch others’ lives in a healthy, helpful way. Nurturing exchanges will be the norm as well as mutual help, assistance, acceptance and affirmation will be the theme in a healthy nurturing relationship.
Honesty: The final sign of intimacy, indicative of healthy intimacy, is another vital part to be built into the fence that protects and fortifies our relationships. Rob Pue, the editor and publisher of Wisconsin Christian News has given me some of the nicest speaking introductions. His words about me are full of the healthy signs of intimacy. He does that privately also. Being around Rob just makes you want to be around him more.
There was another introduction I received before speaking to a large group of high school young people at a Christian youth conference. The introducing pastor knew me personally and we had developed a good relationship. He merely said, “I want to introduce you to my scary friend, Lynn. He is going to be so honest about himself it’s going to be scary.” I spoke to the group about the destructive power of pornography, first and foremost how my own addiction to porn had destroyed my ability to maintain healthy relationships.
My feelings had always remained unshared or even acknowledged. I didn’t express my preferences and at best I was vague and manipulative. I hid my flaws and covered my mistakes. The best way I tried to do that was to lie. Sometimes I had lied so much to cover mistakes that I truly did not know what was truth or what were the lies. No one knew the total truth about me. If I tried to be honest, I would most often try to communicate through a third party. Of course, again I had dysfunctional intimacy down to perfect.
Thanks be to God, through years of relearning and practice, today I can claim my positive and negative feelings. I will be clear about my priorities and values. I can be specific about disagreements, I will provide feedback when I am asked, I will admit my flaws and mistakes. I am fully known to those I am in relationship with. The closest intimate relationship I have is with my wife, Terry. She knows everything about me. The good, the bad, and the ugly of my past and my present and she still wants to be with me. I believe one of the greatest discoveries of recovery from sexual addiction — and it comes from the indwelling power that is greater than myself, Jesus and His Father God — I am an honest person now and I have no secrets.
Allowing porn into our life will destroy the healthy signs of intimacy. Porn is completely void of relationship. It is the abuse of others for self-centered gratification. I recall being at the American Conference for Christian Counselors and a group of college students stopped to visit at the booth my wife and I were at. They stated how some young married students, at their Christian college, were using pornography as a “marital enrichment.” The facts are overwhelming that 50% of marriages end in divorce. When pornography is added to that marriage, the divorce rate skyrockets by 200%. Porn will always destroy the signs of intimacy and the ability to be in a healthy relationship. Remember the predator that roams the Church. The costume is porn, the one inside the costume is Satan, who is out to kill, steal and destroy.
My life and marriage to Terry are free of pornography. We work at practicing the signs of healthy intimacy. It is actually fun to do the practice. We have been in relationship for nearly 23 years and we continue to grow closer to each other and love each other more deeply and more completely. We are not perfect, but we keep working at it. I cannot imagine a closer relationship than Terry and I have, full of the signs of healthy intimacy. But it is not just for us. It is available for you. Put away any exposure to porn or any of it’s relatives. Concentrate on tearing down the relationship fence that is filled with the holes of dysfunctional intimacy and rebuild the fence with the powerful signs of intimacy, then reinforce the signs with specific verses from God’s word that back them up. The result will be the enjoyment of the healthy relationships that God created them to be.
The signs of healthy intimacy can also be our guide when deciding who to be in relationship with. If a person is demonstrating more of the signs of dysfunctional intimacy than healthy, I will be cautious as to the extent of the relationship.
Lynn Fredrick documented his recovery program in a book called, “Stand Firm.”
LynnFredrick.com
